What Is Complicated Grief?

When facing a significant loss, at some point many people will ask themselves if they are “grieving right” or if something is “wrong” with them. We are so inundated with messages and expectations about how grief should go, what it “should” look like, that we cannot help but wonder if we are grieving right. And oftentimes, grief can be so painful that we want to believe that there is a better way to grieve, that there is some predictability to the pain, or that we can hope for a clear endpoint.

The truth is there is no “right” way to grieve. Coping with the death of meaningful person may last a lifetime. Anniversaries, life milestones, even just small reminders of the person may bring back the pangs of grief. For many people, while grief may last a lifetime, the intensity and extent to which it dominates their life will dissipate with time and they will begin to co-exist with the grief. For others though, grief may take over and prevent them from living a life of meaning or even tending to day-to-day tasks. This experience has been characterized as complicated or prolonged grief.

What Is Complicated Grief Disorder?

Signs of Complicated Grief

As time passes after experiencing the death of a loved one, there may be signs that you might be experiencing complicated or prolonged grief and may benefit from professional support. These can include a profound and unending yearning for the person who died, a sense that life has no meaning or purpose without this person, emotional numbness, intense loneliness and disconnection from others, and a sense of disbelief that the person has died. While any of these might characterize our experience of grief at certain times, it can be important to seek out additional support if you find that the grief is persistently interfering with day-to-day living long after your loved one’s death.

You might find the Weill Cornell Grief Intensity Scale questionnaire useful in working out whether you need additional support.

Treatment for Complicated Grief

If you find yourself experiencing signs of prolonged grief or if you just aren’t sure how to cope with your grief, you may benefit from seeking out professional grief support. This support may involve providing you with space to talk about your grief, about the person who died, and to provide you with tools to help you to co-exist with your grief.

Remember that it is okay to shop around for a counselor or therapist. You may look for someone who has experience working with grieving individuals and who has training in grief therapies. Often counselors or therapists will describe their expertise on websites but don’t be afraid to ask directly as well. It is also important to feel like they are a good fit for you and your needs.

Check out our small eBook: ’99 Ways to Spot a Great Grief Counselor’.

In addition to seeking out professional support, here are some more ways you can support your own grieving process:

3 Self-Care Ways of Healing from Complicated Grief

1. Cultivating Self-Compassion

Coping with grief at any point involves first and foremost cultivating self-compassion and allowing yourself to grieve.

It is important to give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling.

Sometimes that might mean allowing the pain to surface or sometimes it might mean allowing yourself to shift your focus to something else.

Part of self-compassion may be recognizing your own courage in getting through another day and honoring the small moments of relief, contentment or meaning that come up during the day.

Read about more self-care activities for grief here. 

2. Connecting with Others

If you would like support from others, consider what kind of support you need. Maybe you need that shoulder to cry on. Maybe you want to be around someone who knew your loved one. Or maybe you need someone who is going to take you out to a movie and not talk about grief for a while. Different people in your life will likely be helpful for meeting different needs.

3. Connecting to Meaning

In the face of loss and suffering it can feel like the world doesn’t make sense. We can become disconnected from our sense of purpose, identity, and meaning in life, especially when we are grieving someone significant. Connecting back to a sense of meaning in life, whether in profound or small ways, can be a powerful way to cope with grief.

Reflect on what is important to you and how you might connect even if it is in a different way than you did before. Consider ways to communicate your unique story or values in life. For many bereaved individuals, it can be important to honor and incorporate the story of the person who died.

• How did and how do they continue to impact you in large and small ways?
• What has been their impact on others and how might you continue to share their legacy?
• What were some meaningful moments you had with the person?

It can be powerful to continue to connect to the person and integrate them into your life even as you adapt to living without their physical presence.

Related PaGes: 

How to Find Grief Support

All about Online Grief Counseling

More about Dealing with Complicated Grief

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