The Twin Minefields of Grief and Remarriage

“I felt he was different the moment I saw him at the club. I didn't, however, realise he would become my whole world. I was careful at the beginning and didn't reveal much about my plans or desires. I played hard to get but he had the ability to read me like an open book. Soon we made plans for living together, thinking about names for kids. He proposed to me and I excepted at once with no overthinking. I just knew he was the one for me. Our families were also getting along beautifully. Everything was perfect.

Then he got a new job in another town. Although I was supporting of his career change, deep down inside I was worried sick. It was two hours drive from our home but the main reason was that I didn't like his new co-workers. They drank too much, didn't respect women and never hung out after work with their own families even though they had wives and children. I felt he wouldn't be safe with them. Soon we started fighting about his job. I knew he made a lot of money, but I didn't think that was all we needed to be happy.

In the end, my worst fears came true. I'll never forget that December 18th.  We had had a huge fight the night before. So many ugly things were said. He went to work the next morning, still angry. So was I. I didn't even want to text him back.

If only I had known, . . . but, no one really knows that kind of stuff, do they?

When I got home from work, I had a strange feeling that something was wrong. So, I tried to phone him, but his number was unavailable. Then I called his mum, but she didn't have a clue why he wouldn't answer my calls. Evening came, I made him his favourite dish, lighted candles all over the apartment  . . . and then I got THE call from the police.

I instantly knew. Don't ask me how, I just felt he was gone. Then his mum called me, crying in pain. I couldn't say a word. I still don't know what to say to the woman who lost her only child because of  the “big boss” who killed himself along with four more people, his workers, driving drunk that night.

I don't think the worst moments were at funeral. Mainly because I can't remember half of it - you told me I fainted. Maybe it's for the best.

The worst moment for me was when I came back to an empty apartment, and saw his slippers and jacket in the hallway. And our bed. I moved to my Mum's the next day. I couldn't handle that emptiness alone.

Honey, I went to so many therapies, treatments, support groups, downed so many anti-depressants and other drugs, and nothing helped. I was empty inside. Dropped out of college on my final year. A walking emotional wreck. But I don't remember crying. Maybe you do, but I just don't. I felt all sorts of feelings - anger, despair, guilt. I felt numb for a while, then overwhelmed, then anxious, then unbelievably sad and I just couldn't help myself.

I also refused help from friends and family. I just wanted him back. I could have given anything at that point to turn back time and unsay that awful sentence said in rage: “ Drop dead you jackass, I wish we hadn't met”.

Then, one night, after lots of quality wine that you drank with me, we started talking about life, death and pain. You mentioned him. And you asked me why I was still wearing his ring.

I didn't know what to tell you. I didn't want to look crazy in front of you, my best friend, through all the good and bad times. So I took the ring off. Something strange happened at that moment. I felt somehow free but like I was betraying someone at the same time. That was the beginning of the healing process. I just didn't realise it back then.

I got back to college, and then started working. Soon after I got my first job, I went on a first date. And then a second, and a third and so on . . . which lead to the relationship I'm in now.

To be honest, I can't tell you I'm in love. And that might be a problem, since I recently accepted his marriage proposal. The main problem is that I never thought of him as a rebound, but from time to time, I catch myself wondering what would it look like if my lost fiancé was alive and even worse, I started comparing two of them. That is so terribly wrong, I know, but can't help myself. I mean, when you love someone and want to marry them, you shouldn't overthink it and compare them even to your ex boyfriends, not to mention deceased ones. Shouldn't I just feel he's the one instead of thinking he might not be?

So, at the moment, I'm thinking I should postpone the wedding. I need more time to spend alone with myself.  There are some feelings I thought had died in that car crash, but they're still here apparently. It wouldn't be fair to marry a man I don't love as much as I'm supposed to. I don't want to ruin both of our lives, because I'm unable to come clean with that secret (it is still a secret now). It's just not fair to both of us, and I owe him that much, because he is such a nice guy.

You've been my best friend for over a decade now. I know you'll understand when I ask for stronger support. I can't do this by myself. I'm well aware I never accepted the fact my first love is gone and nothing can bring him back, but there are ways how to live my life without him. I just haven't given myself enough space and time to mend my shattered heart and soul, because I just wanted everything to be normal - but right away.

That was obviously the wrong way, as we both can see. I know I'll be good again, just it will take more time and the help of a strong friend, to overcome this loss. I rushed it, and I shouldn't. Grief takes time. It worked in the past, when I was 16-17, and relationships were childish and innocent, but in this case it would take much more than three months pause before running headlong into something new. This time, I'll know better. Thank you for listening and being there for me all these years, and I hope my story will inspire people. I'm sure it helped me a lot to see it written down like this.”