Sudden loss of my Father

by Horatio
(California)

My father died suddenly of a heart attack exactly 14 days ago. I still remember, clear as day, how he called me about an hour before his passing, telling me that he was feeling uncomfortable and asking me to go over. I did the best I could, but I got there too late.

I knew he was gone the second I saw him lying on his bed, with his chest still and his eyes left open. I immediately called for help, and started CPR. I knew he was gone, and I knew there was nothing I could do anymore, but I continued with the CPR for a good 10 minutes before the paramedics arrived and took over. He was pronounced dead 10 minutes later.

I remember sitting there, hugging his motionless body, though I don't know for how long. I didn't really cry after they took him away, I just got up and banged my head against the wall as hard as I could, repeatedly.

Since then, I have tried to move on. I'm 27, an only child and have a mother who is dependent on me. I have tried to drown myself in work and study since then (studying for my MSc), but no matter how hard I try to let go, I am simply unable to do so. I can't properly eat, I hardly get any sleep, and wherever I go and whatever I do I am constantly thinking about my father. When I try to study, I lose focus and can't seem to be able to get anything to stick. When I am working, it's like I am functioning based on instincts and not really thinking and analyzing as I normally did before.

Generally I feel like a stranger hovering over my own body while it's functioning on autopilot.
I know I need to let this go and get back to my normal self again, especially now that I have to work full time and study at the same time, but I just seem unable to do so. I need help and advice. If you can offer any advice, it's greatly appreciated.

Comments for Sudden loss of my Father

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Oct 16, 2019
So sorry!
by: Michelle

Hi horatio,
Im so very sorry for your loss x

I notice you feel you have to study and have to get back to normal life.

What if, just for a while, you dropped all rules, all thoughts of any "shoulds". Could you give yourself permission to grieve? Its a great loss, its hard to face, sometimes we try to run away from the pain, but it just wont stay in the background.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, there is no escaping the pain, you might as well let it in, its going to be there regardless.

I try to use gratitude about my dad and all he did for me to help when im grieving. I hope you know deep in your heart that this was not your fault.

Sending deep sympathy and wishes for your gentle healing.
Michelle

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