Not coping well, think my mother died because of me
My mother's been gone 2 months now. I still say it can't be real, just can't be. She was 74 but sprightly, fun, loving, much younger than her age, and she was my light, my strength.
I was typing out a short summary of what happened, medically, but thought better to delete because it'd inevitably sneak in this or that about how stupid and ignorant I was for not doing enough to save my mother. Not that that isn't true, but I didn't want any room to give myself excuses or somehow assuage my guilt. And I had come here to address something specific.
Mom's passing was unexpected, within a day of going into the Emergency Room and being hospitalized, and traumatic. In the chaos of her hospital room, some of the hospital staff were trying to comfort me as I cried and bawled, and I heard myself saying, "She was my best friend." I said this about my mother, while she was lying in the bed nearby, still alive.
Then, after more crying and bawling, told by someone that I had to calm down and be strong for my mother, I went and lay down next to her. I held her hand and hugged her as I lay close to her. I continued crying and kept repeating that I loved her. At one point, I dozed off, then came back. I hadn't slept in 2 days, but that's just an excuse. And while she was struggling to breathe, I remember thinking, "Why is she taking so long?"
What is wrong with me? What kind of a horrible person says, does, thinks these things?
Why did I use the past tense when my mother wasn't dead? Why would I say "was" when she was still alive? How could I have dozed off when my mother was dying, on the verge of leaving this world? Why did I have that awful thought, as if I were impatient, thinking my mother was taking too long to die? It wasn't accompanied by any hopeful thought, like maybe she's not really dying because she keeps breathing, so why did I think that?
I love my mother, more than anyone or anything. So what is wrong with me?!
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