Lost Husband to suicide

by Aryn
(NH)

I am 40 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years. We have 2 children and had an amazing life together filled with fun, travel & adventure - always spending time outdoors. This past January, my husband took his life by driving straight into a large oak tree near our home. He sent an email a few minutes before he did it.

The circumstances around his death are complicated. I thought everything was great between us up until a month before the accident. I found out he had placed hidden cameras in our home to watch me while I was home working during the day. He thought I was having an affair with a co-worker I communicated with on a regular basis that works across the country. I wasn't.

When I found the cameras, I told him he was sick and needed help and that I was leaving until he removed all the cameras & went to counseling. The next day he decided to end his life.

Since then, as I have been going through his things, I have found receipts for other cameras going back almost 9 years, when we purchased our home, cameras hidden in clocks, in my car...

I am angry, so angry. I am having trouble with other people talking about him. He was a good father and took care of his family. I thought we had a good relationship, but now I see that the reality was not what I thought it was.

I want to move out of my home. About an hour away into the country, nature brings me peace, it always has. My family and friends are telling me I am not thinking of my kids, that it is too soon and too much change for them. My daughter is six, and my son is 18.

My question is, how do I stay here and deal with my anger and suffocating grief. One minute I miss him, but then I get angry and that takes over. If I move am I not putting my kids needs first? I feel like if I get my head into a better place, I will be a better parent and we can start a new life in a new place. I am only planning on moving less than an hour away from my family. Just enough space to re-focus & reconnect with myself and children.

Comments for Lost Husband to suicide

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Oct 03, 2019
Coping with Your Anger in Grief
by: Betty from GriefandSympathy

Dear Aryn

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear of your sad loss in such difficult circumstances. It is good that you have such good memories of your life together, many happy times for you and the children. These important memories you will be able to treasure in the future.

Anger is a part of the grief process and you feel betrayed naturally. It seems that your husband lacked confidence and could not believe that the woman he loved so much, loved him too. The cameras were just his way of protecting his belief and self esteem. Over the years the cameras proved you were a loving faithful wife and this bolstered his self confidence. The fact that he committed suicide shows an underlying lack of self confidence and conviction that you would eventually leave him. This worry must have led to an ongoing sadness for him. The fact of his suicide proves his state of mind that he was unhappy and scared of losing you.

Please try to remember that the cameras were there for his piece of mind and because he loved you. He did not have the confidence in himself to believe he could hold onto your love. Try to focus on this and your children. Let them remember the happy times you all had, few of us can look back on years of happiness with a partner.

Let your shock, anger and grief subside a little before making any major decisions and let it be a family one, discuss your children's feelings too. You will survive this trauma but it takes time, keep in your mind that he did it because he loved you - not out of any malice. Start to feel sad for him and the anger will subside.

Our very best wishes

Betty

www.griefandsympathy.com

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