I’m scared that my memories will fade away
My Dad died of Covid just over a month ago, and I’m already having trouble remembering what happened when we were last together.
My parents both live abroad, but they visited in January for my 18th birthday. I also feel terrible because I never got to say goodbye. I didn’t realise how seriously sick he had been, and I was busy with schoolwork so I wasn’t even able to call as much during (what none of us expected to be) his final days. I know it’s not an excuse (because I should be calling as much as possible anyway, not just because someone is dying), but by the time I realised my mistake in prioritizing the wrong things, he was already on the ventilator. Even by that point I was almost certain he would get better. But he never did.
We would always message each other our I love yous every night, but that wasn’t enough. I didn’t know that the last time I heard his voice was the last time I would (same for a lot of people I guess, which is all the more reason to make sure we treasure every moment. I thought I lived my life doing that, but only when someone dies do you realize it was never enough).
I hate goodbyes, but I hate not getting the chance to say them even more. Unfinished business is the only thing that survived.
I can’t change what I did or didn’t do in his last days, but I hoped I could have the memories we shared from the rest of my whole lifetime to cherish, except I feel like they’re slipping away and I don’t know how to hold on. My Dad and I were unbelievably close, and I don’t ever want to lose touch of how we were. I already lost him once, I can’t lose him again - how do I stop it from fading all away?
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