I hurt my dad before he died
Hi. Thanks for this space. Looking for a neutral mind to process my most possibly irredeemable situation.
I lost my father on March 28 this year to chronic kidney disease. He was 78. He was a doctor, a gardener, a teacher, a communist and my sage. I fought with him in a bid to spiritually better myself. But when the time came for me to share myself with him and share him with my world, he died. My struggle had been so hard and intense that I had forgotten its purpose towards the end. Though I had always thought it was intellectual rapprochement when actually it was the regaining of his trust which I lost when I discontinued my studies and taking care of him. I am from West Bengal, India, by the way, aged 44 years. I don't even have a child.
My dad, my baba was very lonely and had neglected his own health even though he had known of his kidney condition since 2015. When we finally came to know and acted, it was too late. He loved me intensely, perhaps the most in the world. But the evening before he died, I told him I would not publish the entire collection of stories and pieces I had written and which he had given me money to publish as they had been for him and if I had to give them to him it would mean their non-publication. He was intubated at that time and could not speak or open his eyes but was so hurt and angry it showed on his face. But I was slow to process and I said to him, I would do this the way you said I wouldn't and I still did. His face had flashed in hurt but I said my I love you and I left. Because he was in the ICU and I could not stay. He died in the morning.
For the last 21 years, I lived away from him, going home only once every two years or less. I did not discuss our emotional issues or tell him about my resolutions and the progress I had made in achieving them. I never told him how proud I was of him. And all the while he was sick, until he got intubated and we came to know he was dying, I lived apart from him in a different city and did not take care of him.
But in the period he was in hospital and before that last evening, he had forgiven me, told me he loved me and that I would be okay. Eventhough he was so loath to go and had his moments of doubting me. Because I had never given him any info or clue as to my own struggles, that I had never let him down once during my most difficult journeys, that he has been and will be the only rishi in my life. It was a different matter that he wasn't afraid, atheist that he was, as am I.
Still, I messed it all up again for him. I was reckless and cruel that last time.
He gave me 21 years to prove myself to him. I almost made it. What do I do now? My tribute he rejected. And in paying my dues to society, I could not pay my dues to him.
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