I hurt my dad before he died

by Sucheta
(India)

Hi. Thanks for this space. Looking for a neutral mind to process my most possibly irredeemable situation.

I lost my father on March 28 this year to chronic kidney disease. He was 78. He was a doctor, a gardener, a teacher, a communist and my sage. I fought with him in a bid to spiritually better myself. But when the time came for me to share myself with him and share him with my world, he died. My struggle had been so hard and intense that I had forgotten its purpose towards the end. Though I had always thought it was intellectual rapprochement when actually it was the regaining of his trust which I lost when I discontinued my studies and taking care of him. I am from West Bengal, India, by the way, aged 44 years. I don't even have a child.

My dad, my baba was very lonely and had neglected his own health even though he had known of his kidney condition since 2015. When we finally came to know and acted, it was too late. He loved me intensely, perhaps the most in the world. But the evening before he died, I told him I would not publish the entire collection of stories and pieces I had written and which he had given me money to publish as they had been for him and if I had to give them to him it would mean their non-publication. He was intubated at that time and could not speak or open his eyes but was so hurt and angry it showed on his face. But I was slow to process and I said to him, I would do this the way you said I wouldn't and I still did. His face had flashed in hurt but I said my I love you and I left. Because he was in the ICU and I could not stay. He died in the morning.

For the last 21 years, I lived away from him, going home only once every two years or less. I did not discuss our emotional issues or tell him about my resolutions and the progress I had made in achieving them. I never told him how proud I was of him. And all the while he was sick, until he got intubated and we came to know he was dying, I lived apart from him in a different city and did not take care of him.

But in the period he was in hospital and before that last evening, he had forgiven me, told me he loved me and that I would be okay. Eventhough he was so loath to go and had his moments of doubting me. Because I had never given him any info or clue as to my own struggles, that I had never let him down once during my most difficult journeys, that he has been and will be the only rishi in my life. It was a different matter that he wasn't afraid, atheist that he was, as am I.

Still, I messed it all up again for him. I was reckless and cruel that last time.

He gave me 21 years to prove myself to him. I almost made it. What do I do now? My tribute he rejected. And in paying my dues to society, I could not pay my dues to him.

Comments for I hurt my dad before he died

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 25, 2018
Being true to yourself in grief.
by: Betty from Grief and Sympathy

Dear Sucheta

Thank you for writing to us. Grief can be a difficult time.

Your name is lovely and the meaning - beautiful mind - gives me hope that you will find peace.

When we have children, we wish them a happy independent life, free to follow their own dreams. We do not own them and we cannot have our own unrealistic plans for them. You loved your father and he loved you. In the great scheme of things, that is the most important issue. You kept in touch over the years, visited him when he was sick and he must have been very proud of you. There are many parents who do not have that contact and love. Giving support, guidance and love is a parent's role.

It is so common after losing a loved one to have regrets and guilt over events that happened between you over the years. However you know he loved you, he knew you loved him. Hang on to that thought and let the negative feelings float away. They serve no useful purpose at all.

He would love you to continue your life as a happy, fulfilled person and whether you publish your writing is entirely your choice and any decision you make is only yours and always was.

Many ladies your age do not have children, that again is their choice in many cases - choosing a career pathway instead. There is nothing unusual in that.

Freedom and choice of how we spend our lifetime is ours alone.

You can say to yourself I am going to get on with my life in a positive way for my father.

He would not have wanted to be the focus of any unhappiness in the life of the daughter he loved.

Let yourself be that free independent person, let yourself enjoy this life you have.

Our very best wishes.

Betty
The GriefandSympathy Team.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bereavement Forum on Grief and Sympathy.com.

Get Private and Confidential Help in the Privacy of Your Own Home

Do you feel alone and sad with no support and no idea how to move forward?  It can be tough when you are stuck in grief to find the motivation to get the most out of your precious life. 

Online counseling can help by giving you that support so you don't feel so alone. You can have someone to talk to anytime you like, a kind and understanding person who will help you to find meaning in life again, to treasure the memories of your loved one without being overwhelmed and to enjoy your activities, family and friends again.

  • Simply fill out the online questionnaire and you will be assigned the expert grief counselor most suitable for you.  It only takes a few minutes and you don't even have to use your name.  
  • Pay an affordable FLAT FEE FOR UNLIMITED SESSIONS.  
  • Contact your counselor whenever you like by chat, messaging, video or phone. 
  • You can change counselor at any time if you wish.
  • Click here to find out more and get started immediately. 
  • Or read more about how online counseling works here.  
Woman Crying. Get Started with Online Counselling

Sales from our pages result in a small commission to us which helps us to continue our work supporting the grieving.  


Hypnosis for Grief and Loss - 10 Ways It Can Help You

Try a gentle hypnotherapy track to relax the mind. Learn how self-hypnosis can help you cope with grief at any time of the day or night.  

Read more about it here. 


Seeds of Life Memory Tree - Oak Tree Kit


Make sure there is plenty of space to plant this majestic oak tree.  They can grow to 70 feet tall.  But what a memorial it would be for a loved one. 

One of the most popular trees of all time, they will grow for hundreds of years making a beautiful living monument to the deceased. 




Heart Shaped Sterling Silver Pendant for Cremation Ashes, Engraved Forever Loved

Memorial Pendant for Cremation Ashes

Keep the ashes of your loved one close to your heart with this sterling silver engraved pendant.  

Available here from Etsy and ships worldwide.  


Join us on Facebook for articles, support, discussion and more.  Click 'Like' below.




Sign up for our newsletter and receive:

"The 10 Most Important Things You Can Do
To Survive Your Grief And Get On With Life"


Our free downloadable and printable document "The 10 Most Important Things You Can Do To Survive Your Grief And Get On With Life" will help you to be positive day to day.  

The 10 points are laid out like a poem on two pretty pages which you can pin on your fridge door to help you every day! 

All you have to do to receive this free document is fill in your email address below. 

You will also receive our newsletter which we send out from time to time with our newest comforting and helpful information.   You can unsubscribe any time you like, and don't worry, your email address is totally safe with us.