A thoughtful piece by Morgan Webb about the loss of a partner and how she needed time for grief, to find the stillness to face the sadness.
I am sitting on the porch. The wind chimes fill the air with their quiet music. The breeze is cold on the tear tracks running down my cheeks.
I feel my knees on the yoga mat beneath me. The pine leaves dance in the wind. I focus on my breath, finding the stillness in that natural movement. That rhythm is always there, giving me something to come back to when I start to lose myself in my grief.
This is the hardest part for me, giving myself space to find stillness. I'm doing well these days. It's been eight months since I lost him. I'm happy most of the time. But most of the time I'm running around, juggling a million things. It's easier to be happy when I'm busy, when I can channel my energy into building my new life.
It's in the stillness that I remember that he's gone. That I can feel the lump of sadness that I still carry within me.
I'm starting to make peace with that. The grief is still there, but it's less violent than it once was. I still cry, some days. But not every day. Not for hours at a time. There is still a sadness, but it no longer feels like everything that I am.
I'm starting to make peace with the fact that the heart heals, just slowly. So many times I've thought I was fine. Thought that I had cried all my tears, that I was finally happy again. And then I'd hear a song or do something we always used to do together, and it would all hit me again. Maybe a little better, but still there.
I was starting to get so tired of it. I just wanted to stop crying. Stop thinking that I was better and then finding myself sitting tearfully in another parking lot. I felt frustrated that I wasn't over it yet. So many people in my life seemed to think I should be. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted there to not be songs that could reduce me to tears. And I felt frustrated with myself for not living up to those desires.
It was around the fourth time that I mentally declared myself 'over it' and then found myself crying once again that I realized I needed to let go of the idea of 'over it' entirely. It wasn't helping me recover. On the contrary, it was making me feel angry with myself for still being upset. It was making me feel bad for feeling bad, a negative loop that wasn't moving me any closer to happiness.
My heart is healing. I'm doing so much better now than I was a few months ago. I've stopped filling all my time to avoid thinking about missing him.
I feel the breeze ruffle my hair. I hear my nephew's laughter coming from inside and know that my moment of peace will soon be over. I am deeply, deeply happy. I am deeply, deeply sad. It's okay for the two to coexist. They don't need to war within me. I can love them both.
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