My mother's death - could more have been done?

by Neil
(Glasgow Scotland)

My mother died on the 27th December 2013 of heart failure. She was on antibiotics for an infection and seemed OK, but soon fell ill rapidly and was taken off the meds, and put on a mask when she died gasping for air and had rolling eyes,and non responsive. Is this normal because I feel more could have been done?

Lost my mother, Dad has a new woman

by Monique
(California)

Hi,

I lost my mother about 8 months ago. My parents were married 40 years, and my Dad moved on just 3 short months after her death. He moved his new girlfriend in and only knew her for about a week.

My father is also my employer and has been for 8 years due to him having his own business and him getting hurt, I had to help run the business. But now that my father has this new woman in his life he disregards any of my feelings. He even lies about having money to pay me on a weekly basis because he spends all of his money on her.

I'm really confused on how to handle my situation and I have no other family other than my Dad, so please help with any advice. Thank you.

Still numb and worried not grieving or dealing with feelings

by Paula P.
(Beverly)

I had my Mom living with us for the last 8 months of her life. From diagnosis, I went to every appointment,procedures etc. We've shared all the highs and lows.

She's been gone 6 weeks now and I'm stunned at how little I'm crying. Although I'm not a cryer, I'm concerned I'm avoiding or not allowing myself to get in touch with the pain. I am aware that numb is part of the process. I certainly have had my moments and understand we all do it at our own pace. Need a reality check on this.

Thank You

Lost my mother suddenly, who was caring for her mother that has dementia.

Eleven days ago I received a call from my brother telling me he had to call 911 for our mother. he had gone by to check on our mother and grandmother after not being able to reach them by phone. Finding mother on the floor and grandmother in her bedroom he dialed 911 immediately.

The ambulance took both our mother (70 yrs old) and grandmother (92 yrs old) to the hospital. Needless to say my mother could not be saved but my grandmother started improving that night and was moved to CCU. My brother is 50 and I am 48.

This happened late on Thursday 3/6/14 and we laid her to rest 3/9/14. our grandmother was released from the hospital on 3/10/14 and I brought her home with me.

I have not had time to grieve due to the care my grandmother requires.

We have not told my grandmother about our mother passing for fear it will send her spiraling healthwise. The doctors and nurses I talked to said to wait for her to ask about our mother and we would know what to do then. She hasn't asked yet and I wonder if she ever will since she has dementia. There has been a time or two that I notice her looking as if she wants to ask a question but so far all she ever says is everything is OK.

Not telling her about her daughter passing has eaten at me so much. Am I doing the right thing by not telling her? I would never forgive myself if I told her and she got worse health wise but is it right to keep this from her?

I also know it's not healthy for me not to grieve the loss of my mother. Everyone is worried about me and I guess they're justified. I had a heart attack 3 years ago this April 29th. I had a rough day this past Thursday (13th) but kept it brief and away from my grandmother.

I need some advice on these few things, I want to do what is right regarding my grandmother. With her having dementia it's possible I would have to tell her everyday and I just don't think I could re-live my mother's passing everyday.

I lost my mother

by JEN
(CHICAGO)

I lost my mom in 2008. Me and my stepdad found her. She had type two diabetes. She died on my brother's birthday-August 9, 2008. I held on to the fact that she hadn't actually died until a doctor told us that she had been dead since 5 am that morning.

My mother raised me and my brother as a single mother. She then got married. She had dreams. She was sweet and beautiful. She was strict. She is the reason that I strived to work hard, to not make excuses, to dream.

So when she was stolen from me, I lost sight of who I was. I gained it back, but I am still fighting to discover who I am. I was so sure of myself when she was around. I never second guessed who was I was...now I don't know.

She never will see me get married to my true love. She will never see me bring her grandchild into the world. She will never enjoy vacation time with me. Or call me. She isn't here to enjoy the rewards of my hardwork and she should be. She is the reason I earned it all.

After she died, I'd call her phone and listen to her voicemail. After she died, I just kept thinking she'd walk through the door at every family function.

Now I don't know how to grieve.

I Lost My Precious Mother On Mother's Day: Overwhelmed With Grief And Sorrow

(Name withheld)

My mother and I both repented, lived holy lives, with clean hands and pure hearts. God was first love and first priority. We prayed for at least 3 hours each and every day, and studied the Bible for at least 1 hour every day. Prayer was the very first thing in the morning. Our faith was very strong. We strove to obey God's commandments, including keeping the Sabbath day holy. We attended Sabbath services. We served God. Preached the true gospel.

We both practiced abstinence, self-sacrifice and self-discipline, so we didn't spend money on holidays, restaurants or other pleasures. We were truly faithful disciples of Christ, by striving to live according to His word. Out of the little that we had, we donated money to charities and helped homeless people. We were never ever involved in occultism.

My mother was totally faithful to my father in marriage, although he was very abusive towards her. Although, she forgave him many times, the abuse didn't stop. On the contrary, the more she forgave, the worse the abuse became. It reached a point where she had no choice but to divorce him. From then on, my mother never remarried. She lived the life of a widow for twenty years. We lived a very modest and quiet life.

We practiced celibacy and sexual abstinence. Our lives resembled those of nuns. My mother was very protective of me and she taught me to pray since I was two years of age. While parents usually read fairy tale stories to their children, I slept with the Bible under my pillow, which I took with me to the private school that my mother enrolled me in, and I learned about God. We put so much faith and trust in God and I feel like He has really let us down.

The verses in Psalm 103:1-5 state: "Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed."

My mother suffered from colorectal cancer which spread to her liver and kidneys, heart failure, pulmonary edema and anaemia, including numerous other medical issues. I was completely shocked, devastated and heartbroken when my mother passed away at an early age, and I read her long medical report, which went on and on. She was in terrible pain and had near fatal falls on a few occasions. Despite praying to God continuously, from early morning until late at night, with fasting and begging for my mother to be healed, my prayers returned unanswered. The more I prayed and fasted, the worse her health became. It deteriorated so much that she was bed-ridden for one year and couldn't see the light of day. None of these illnesses run on my mother's side of the family. We both took care of our health by drinking fruit and vegetable juices, exercising and more importantly, absolutely NO smoking, drugs or alcohol.

While other people were celebrating Mother's Day with gifts like cakes, chocolates and flowers, as well as dining with their mothers at restaurants or taking them on luxury cruises, my mother was in the morgue awaiting cremation.

God's people are plagued by an entire series of extremely serious illnesses—including a number of leading people directly involved in the work. During the 1980's there was a huge number of ministers wives that were stricken. It has always been a fact that wives of so many ministers and church leaders have been stricken by cancer.

In 2016, Cornerstone Contact Centre pastor Don Cameron died at the age of 45 years, after a battle with cancer.

Jeffery Largent, pastor of Culver flock passed away in 2016, at the age of 59 years, after his second battle with cancer.

Church of the Highlands Greystone Campus Pastor Keith Lindsey passed away in 2016 after a lengthy battle with cancer.

Kara Tippetts, wife of PCA church pastor Jason Tippetts of Westside Church, in Colorado Springs, Colorado, is a devout Christian mother of four, who had stage-four breast cancer and passed away at the age of 38, in 2015, after a long battle.

In 2014, Steve Hill, the evangelist of the Brownsville Revival, passed away at his Alabama home Sunday after fighting a long battle with cancer. He was 60 years old.

LaKisha died in 2014, at the age of 40 after an 18-month battle with breast cancer. She was the wife of Pastor Breonus Mitchell of Greater Grace Temple Community Church.

A Wesleyan pastor, Daniel “Danny” Eiler, age 30, passed away in 2014, after battling leukemia. He served as senior pastor of The Springs Community Church in Ringgold, Georgia.

David Landrith, senior pastor of Long Hollow Baptist Church in Hendersonville, died at age 51. Landrith was diagnosed with an extremely rare and aggressive form of cancer known as colorectal melanoma in 2013.

In 2009, founder and pastor of Victory Christian Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Billy Joe Daugherty's battle with cancer took a turn for the worse as he fought an infection at Houston's M.D. Anderson Hospital. He passed away at the age of 57 years.

The list goes on and on ...

My mother's faith was very strong right to the very end when she passed away, and I wish to point out the fact that I even called for the elders of the church to anoint my mother with olive oil, as the following scripture states in: James 5:14-15 - Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.

The scripture obviously wasn't fulfilled in my mother's life who was a faithful Christian, and the lives of many other faithful Christians.

Lost My Parents

by Lee
(Waco, texas)

On September 1, 2014 my mom died and then October 14, 2014 my father died. I was caregiving for my father, along with my fiance. I found him dead in his bed. I am having a hard time forgetting that moment and a hard time coping with losing both parents. Why did this happen?

Losing my father so suddenly is the hardest thing any daughter would have to endure

by Rosalie Martinez
(Victorville Ca)

Losing a loved one ❤ is the hardest thing anyone should go through but its a part of life and it's hard to accept but with the grieving and sadness now follows sorrow but knowing that your loved one is no longer suffering or in any kind of pain should bring a everlasting piece in your heart and in your soul knowing that your beloved father is at rest and watching over you should bring everlasting love and memories of all your childhood memories with all the special moments and memories and it's okay to cry and feel sad every once in awhile that helps and that's a part of the healing process❤ just know your loved one is at peace and with comfort and resting with their angels in heaven and with our Heavenly Father❤❤❤😢💋 love you always and forever gone but never forgotten
My hero my heart and soul my father
Love you always and forever your daughter

Hi I lost my mum in jan 2012 and physically I am coping but mentally I am not what advice can anyone give me.

by Sonya McKnight
(Newtownabbey)

Hi I lost my mum in jan 2012 and mentally I am not coping I miss everything about my mum what advice can anyone give me I do not want to feel this way year after.

I hurt my dad before he died

by Sucheta
(India)

Hi. Thanks for this space. Looking for a neutral mind to process my most possibly irredeemable situation.

I lost my father on March 28 this year to chronic kidney disease. He was 78. He was a doctor, a gardener, a teacher, a communist and my sage. I fought with him in a bid to spiritually better myself. But when the time came for me to share myself with him and share him with my world, he died. My struggle had been so hard and intense that I had forgotten its purpose towards the end. Though I had always thought it was intellectual rapprochement when actually it was the regaining of his trust which I lost when I discontinued my studies and taking care of him. I am from West Bengal, India, by the way, aged 44 years. I don't even have a child.

My dad, my baba was very lonely and had neglected his own health even though he had known of his kidney condition since 2015. When we finally came to know and acted, it was too late. He loved me intensely, perhaps the most in the world. But the evening before he died, I told him I would not publish the entire collection of stories and pieces I had written and which he had given me money to publish as they had been for him and if I had to give them to him it would mean their non-publication. He was intubated at that time and could not speak or open his eyes but was so hurt and angry it showed on his face. But I was slow to process and I said to him, I would do this the way you said I wouldn't and I still did. His face had flashed in hurt but I said my I love you and I left. Because he was in the ICU and I could not stay. He died in the morning.

For the last 21 years, I lived away from him, going home only once every two years or less. I did not discuss our emotional issues or tell him about my resolutions and the progress I had made in achieving them. I never told him how proud I was of him. And all the while he was sick, until he got intubated and we came to know he was dying, I lived apart from him in a different city and did not take care of him.

But in the period he was in hospital and before that last evening, he had forgiven me, told me he loved me and that I would be okay. Eventhough he was so loath to go and had his moments of doubting me. Because I had never given him any info or clue as to my own struggles, that I had never let him down once during my most difficult journeys, that he has been and will be the only rishi in my life. It was a different matter that he wasn't afraid, atheist that he was, as am I.

Still, I messed it all up again for him. I was reckless and cruel that last time.

He gave me 21 years to prove myself to him. I almost made it. What do I do now? My tribute he rejected. And in paying my dues to society, I could not pay my dues to him.

Father-in-law's selfish death- how to get over it?

by Annie Love
(UK)

My boyfriend's dad died recently of cancer. We had about a year and a half with him from the day he was diagnosed to his death.

My boyfriend is very angry at his late father and I don't know how to help him. Bob, as I'll call him, spent his life working at sea. When he died, many people who the family had never heard of talked of how close they were to him and how much they loved him. Photos emerged of him partying and drinking with women and his family started to believe that he worked away because he preferred it there, and coming home was a chore. He seemed to have led a double life that wasn't discovered until he was gone which devastated my boyfriend and his mother.

Since being diagnosed, he spent all his time either elsewhere with friends, or in his garage working on trains. He spent all the money he had left on gadgets and the trains (which are unfinished and worthless) and spent no time with his family creating memories for them to cherish.

He left them no money to continue without him and he demanded a very expensive funeral.

My boyfriend, instead of being sad about his dad's death, is very angry at how he has left him to look after his mum financially and emotionally, with no support and feeling as though he never cared about them.

His behaviour after the diagnosis was selfish and reckless which I can understand but my boyfriend cannot. He feels his first reaction should have been to comfort his family and try to make up for some of the time they were going to lose.

Bob even wrote his own eulogy, in which he talked only of his wonderful stories from sea and his great friends. There was no mention of his family, which included a 10 year old adopted daughter he was leaving behind, or his elderly wife. My boyfriend had to go against his wishes and rewrite it because he was embarrassed to read it out at the funeral.

How do I support him? What do I say? He can't get answers from Bob, he can't vent his anger to him. There is so much unfinished business and I don't know how to help.

Thanks for listening.

Not coping well, think my mother died because of me

by Andrea
(Mighigan USA)

My mother's been gone 2 months now. I still say it can't be real, just can't be. She was 74 but sprightly, fun, loving, much younger than her age, and she was my light, my strength.

I was typing out a short summary of what happened, medically, but thought better to delete because it'd inevitably sneak in this or that about how stupid and ignorant I was for not doing enough to save my mother. Not that that isn't true, but I didn't want any room to give myself excuses or somehow assuage my guilt. And I had come here to address something specific.

Mom's passing was unexpected, within a day of going into the Emergency Room and being hospitalized, and traumatic. In the chaos of her hospital room, some of the hospital staff were trying to comfort me as I cried and bawled, and I heard myself saying, "She was my best friend." I said this about my mother, while she was lying in the bed nearby, still alive.

Then, after more crying and bawling, told by someone that I had to calm down and be strong for my mother, I went and lay down next to her. I held her hand and hugged her as I lay close to her. I continued crying and kept repeating that I loved her. At one point, I dozed off, then came back. I hadn't slept in 2 days, but that's just an excuse. And while she was struggling to breathe, I remember thinking, "Why is she taking so long?"

What is wrong with me? What kind of a horrible person says, does, thinks these things?

Why did I use the past tense when my mother wasn't dead? Why would I say "was" when she was still alive? How could I have dozed off when my mother was dying, on the verge of leaving this world? Why did I have that awful thought, as if I were impatient, thinking my mother was taking too long to die? It wasn't accompanied by any hopeful thought, like maybe she's not really dying because she keeps breathing, so why did I think that?

I love my mother, more than anyone or anything. So what is wrong with me?!

Lost father suddenly

by Clovere

I lost my father completely out of the blue three months ago. He was 76, but a very youthful 76 yr old. Earlier in the year he went trekking in India by himself. He had a cardiac arrest attack and I cannot stop thinking of how I said I was too busy to talk (he would call me continuously ...more than my other siblings he relied on me). I miss him so much..and it was so sudden and unexpected. On top of everything, I can't get over the guilt and wish he knew how much I loved him.

Sudden loss of my Father

by Horatio
(California)

My father died suddenly of a heart attack exactly 14 days ago. I still remember, clear as day, how he called me about an hour before his passing, telling me that he was feeling uncomfortable and asking me to go over. I did the best I could, but I got there too late.

I knew he was gone the second I saw him lying on his bed, with his chest still and his eyes left open. I immediately called for help, and started CPR. I knew he was gone, and I knew there was nothing I could do anymore, but I continued with the CPR for a good 10 minutes before the paramedics arrived and took over. He was pronounced dead 10 minutes later.

I remember sitting there, hugging his motionless body, though I don't know for how long. I didn't really cry after they took him away, I just got up and banged my head against the wall as hard as I could, repeatedly.

Since then, I have tried to move on. I'm 27, an only child and have a mother who is dependent on me. I have tried to drown myself in work and study since then (studying for my MSc), but no matter how hard I try to let go, I am simply unable to do so. I can't properly eat, I hardly get any sleep, and wherever I go and whatever I do I am constantly thinking about my father. When I try to study, I lose focus and can't seem to be able to get anything to stick. When I am working, it's like I am functioning based on instincts and not really thinking and analyzing as I normally did before.

Generally I feel like a stranger hovering over my own body while it's functioning on autopilot.
I know I need to let this go and get back to my normal self again, especially now that I have to work full time and study at the same time, but I just seem unable to do so. I need help and advice. If you can offer any advice, it's greatly appreciated.

I’m scared that my memories will fade away

My Dad died of Covid just over a month ago, and I’m already having trouble remembering what happened when we were last together.

My parents both live abroad, but they visited in January for my 18th birthday. I also feel terrible because I never got to say goodbye. I didn’t realise how seriously sick he had been, and I was busy with schoolwork so I wasn’t even able to call as much during (what none of us expected to be) his final days. I know it’s not an excuse (because I should be calling as much as possible anyway, not just because someone is dying), but by the time I realised my mistake in prioritizing the wrong things, he was already on the ventilator. Even by that point I was almost certain he would get better. But he never did.

We would always message each other our I love yous every night, but that wasn’t enough. I didn’t know that the last time I heard his voice was the last time I would (same for a lot of people I guess, which is all the more reason to make sure we treasure every moment. I thought I lived my life doing that, but only when someone dies do you realize it was never enough).

I hate goodbyes, but I hate not getting the chance to say them even more. Unfinished business is the only thing that survived.

I can’t change what I did or didn’t do in his last days, but I hoped I could have the memories we shared from the rest of my whole lifetime to cherish, except I feel like they’re slipping away and I don’t know how to hold on. My Dad and I were unbelievably close, and I don’t ever want to lose touch of how we were. I already lost him once, I can’t lose him again - how do I stop it from fading all away?

Finding it hard to enjoy my achievements

by Charlotte

My Dad passed away unexpectedly just under two months ago. I live in a different country, and with the pandemic I hadn't seen him in six months. We didn't speak often, as we've always been quiet types, but we were really close. He gave me the best advice and the best hugs. He was always so proud of all my achievements, no matter how small, and I loved sharing them with him.

Now I'm finding it hard to enjoy most of what I'm doing, and the small achievements I would usually tell him about seem empty. I'm trying to convince myself that he would still be so proud of me, and that I should find joy in what I'm doing because that's what he would want, but it's hard not being able to share this with him.

I lost my dear father 25 days ago. Unable to think of life without him.

My father had a normal day, went for a evening walk and then to a restaurant with his friends. He was back home by 10 pm and got ready to bed. My mom was watching TV for some time and checked on my dad who switched off the light and slept. She locked all the main doors and went to the bedroom. It was not even 5 mins since he slept, my mom could hear him gasp for breath. She switched on the light and tried to wake him up but he was unconscious. She called for help and my neighbours helped to get a doctor and booked an ambulance immediately. They gave CPR but he was gone by the time he reached the hospital. They diagnosed as massive heart attack.

He did not have any underlying causes like cholesterol or diabetes. This was a sudden shock to my whole family and friends. How can life be so uncertain and unfair? We didn't get a chance to save him. So sudden that my mom is not able to cope with this pain. He was a jolly person, had lots of friends, loved food and enjoyed every small moment in life. He had nothing to worry about. He was only 66 years old. Life seems gloomy and scary. I am unable to sleep at night. I am very much worried about my mom. She cries a lot everyday. Worried about her health too. Please help

How do I learn to be more patient with my Father now that my Mother has passed away

by Robbie
(London)

Eight months ago, my mum passed away after a long battle with brain cancer. I’ve tried to be there for my dad as much as I can, despite living in a different city and having a very busy career.

My mum did pretty much everything - she cooked, cleaned, managed the finances and other important things. Since she’s gone and I’ve been spending time alone with my dad for the first time in my life, I’ve noticed that he is pretty clueless when it comes to most things, almost to the point where it feels like I’m looking after a child when I’m with him. It has become so clear that my mum really did manage the marriage and my dad took a back seat. I love him and understand that he’s in a horrible and lonely place without his wife of 40 years, but I find myself becoming very frustrated when I’m with him. Has anyone else felt like this? I would love to hear some advice or tips from other people who learned to be more patient and forgiving with their father in the same situation.

I feel so guilty when I become annoyed with him and know that it’s me who has to change and learn to handle my emotions towards him.

Will this feeling ever go away

by Raegan
(Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada)

It's been almost ten years since I lost my parents. My mom was my best friend and I still think about her every day and still wake up crying most days. I was an only child and I feel so alone in the world. I find this hard to even type without crying. Will these feelings ever go away?

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